Question:

I married my wife because she was hot and I knew there was no way I should even have a shot with her - let alone a relationship. For some reason she really loved me and wanted to marry me.

I didn't want to lose her because I loved her body, her face, her breasts, everything. Being with her made me feel so good, touching her at any opportunity made me crazy. She was so perfect, but ultimately we have nothing in common.

That was 12 years ago. Now we have two kids and that body I was obsessed with is gone. She has put on like 25-30 kgs at least. I get so mad at her sometimes for letting herself go even though I know having kids can do that and it's not her fault. She's such a good person I would never say anything but the reason I fell in love with her is gone.

I feel trapped sometimes but I know it is my fault for being so superficial. Lately I feel myself looking longer at other women and fantasising about having sex with a hot woman again. I just can't accept that I will never have amazing hot sex again when it used to be so mind blowing.

I have even been thinking about my ex girlfriend who was not even remotely attractive but who was my best friend at the time. I left her for my wife and I wonder if that was the biggest mistake of my life...giving up a quality relationship for beauty now seems so foolish.

Answer:

You say you had nothing in common, but you were happy enough for 12 years. Looks matter and anyone can feel quite resentful if their partner changes dramatically, especially by putting on that amount of weight. No woman should put on so much weight just as a result of two pregnancies so you need to consider all the options before making life changing decisions.

Could she have postnatal depression or be comfort eating because she knows how much looks mean to you and was unhappy with putting on weight in pregnancy? You have two young children to consider and fantasising about other women isn’t the ideal way forward. Stop looking back at the past and try to make the future better for all of you. Talk to your wife when you won’t be interrupted so you can really concentrate on her. Don’t criticise or threaten to leave her if she doesn’t get fit; instead, tell her that you’re worried about her and you appreciate she’s very busy with two children but you’re concerned that she always puts her own needs last and it’s time she looked after her health.

Some exercise you can do as a family and you can also happily look after the children so she’s able to go to fitness classes. Tell her that being a parent has made you tired and less fit and that you’d like both of you to sort this out, so that also means healthy eating as a family.

Being a full time mother can be draining and even a bit boring and there are all sorts of possible reasons behind her weight gain so it isn’t doing either of you any favours to ignore it. You do need to consider depression and that’s not an easy subject to broach – maybe you could do some research before you chat and find out if there are any support groups in your area. She should also see her doctor no matter what in case there’s any other underlying health issue causing severe weight gain.

However tactfully you approach this she won’t be able to lose that amount of weight overnight, so you need to do some serious thinking. You’ve been very honest about what attracted you to your wife but if she doesn’t lose weight, is your marriage over? If so, take the long view regarding future relationships. Everyone ages, so could this obsession with looks affect other relationships if your marriage doesn’t last?

You felt you didn’t deserve your wife at first which hints at low self esteem and could go some way to explaining your obsession with looks, so counselling could really help both of you and guide you to making the right decisions for your children and yourselves.

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