Question:

I have been married for 17 months and I am now wondering if I have made a mistake and if I should stay or go.

This is mine and my husband’s second marriage. We get along very well, but recently have had several incidences that have left me wondering if I have done the right thing.

Overall he is a good man, he’s kind, generous, loving and very supportive. Both of us have children from our previous marriages and he’s fantastic with my kids, he loves them like his own.

The only thing is, he has an alcohol problem. Without the alcohol, you couldn't get a better man. He becomes verbally aggressive whilst drinking and then very defensive for several days after. He gets so drunk his speech is slow; he stumbles all over the place, then usually sleeps on the lounge. But that's not before he has come into the room turning on all the lights and bumping into the furniture.

I have told him on many occasions that I do not mind him having a drink, but I don't understand why he doesn't stop when he knows he’s had enough. He drinks extremely fast and is always onto his second drink to everybody else's first.

A few weeks ago after he had been to the pub, he was not only verbally aggressive, he then became physically aggressive. He threw keys at me and was lunging at me like he wanted to grab me. Thankfully I was able to move out of the way and the keys hit the ground.

There were other people there and they were able to restrain him and take him away from the house to calm down. I still wonder, if he had been able to grab me, what he would have done.

I have suggested he seek help for his alcohol abuse but his response was "I don't need a counsellor". My other concern is, I feel he is slowly pulling me away from the people I am closest to. I have noticed he is quite negative towards them or will make excuses so we don't see them.

Answer:

You have a lot invested in this marriage, especially since his good points include being very loving with your children and lovely to you when he’s sober. However, this should not blind you to the simple fact that he refuses to accept that he has a problem with alcohol and without that awareness he will not look for help.

It also sounds as if other problems are escalating, with him isolating you from other people and the very real and frightening possibility of physical abuse. You should ask yourself if you would be willing to help him if he recognised his problem and went for help and if not, then you should look at ending the marriage as soon as you reasonably can as the longer you stay the more you will be isolated from others, especially if his drinking increases.

However, if you would be willing to stay if he went for help then for the sake of the person he is and the relationship you have when he’s sober, have one attempt to talk to him when he hasn’t been drinking. Taking the approach of ‘ I’m very worried about you....’ helps stop him feeling attacked and defensive and you can list the incidents when his behaviour has been completely unacceptable due to drink.

Don’t let him brush it away nor counter it with talk such as ‘Oh yes I’m a monster and everyone’s scared of me’ because he’s looking for you to deny that and almost give him justification for what he’s done.

If he agrees he has a problem then I suggest you go for counselling together, and make an appointment straight away, but if he refuses to acknowledge that he drinks too much there’s nothing further you can do until he does, so for your own sake you need to get out of the marriage.

Remember that if he does go for help it could still be a long hard road ahead with the chance of regression always there, so make your decision with all the facts clear in your mind. He might be a lovely person when sober but you’re married to him all the time.

You could also get in touch with Al-Anon which provides support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking and their website is www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia. They can direct you to local group support or offer advice through their helpline and they will support you as you decide what your next move should be.

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