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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

In February of 2008 I met a girl online. She was living in America, I was living in Australia. I was about to turn 18, she told me she was 19 turning 20.

We became fast friends and talked every day, nearly all day on Skype using microphones and I would get on my webcam but she said she would get one. Within the first few days she had me, she sent me a bunch of pictures of herself, she was beautiful and so was her voice.

After a couple of months it was clear that we wanted to meet up and have an intimate relationship. I asked her why she couldn't get a webcam. After six months or so she just said she really wanted for me to wait and see her in person for the first time .

She always told me that I'd look so much better if I cut my long hair. For her 20th birthday I went out and cut my shoulder-length hair to a very short length, got home and showed her on the webcam, she was speechless and very happy. By now we were very, very close and were open about how much we loved each other, even though we had never met.

She told me I couldn't come and visit her and she couldn't come and see me because she needed to finish college first and would miss me too much if I came and left or she came to see me then had to go back. After some more months she admitted to me that her father beat her and that when she came to see me she'd never go back to America and that she'd be leaving her family for good. She would get very upset when I mentioned anything about us meeting up.

As the year went by she would always tell me about her gay friend, Chris, who was her best friend. She was also extremely needy and obviously had issues but I was there for her 24/7. She would get very upset if I wanted to go out and see friends, I didn't go out much at all and was stuck inside the house, I even missed out on my friend's going-away party. She would get mad at me over tiny little things like if I needed to eat and she didn't, she'd get mad and say I didn't like spending time with her anymore.

Some of you may find it sick or weird, but we were so inseparable that we would go to sleep together, with our mics on and our laptops in bed with us. One night, we were both woken up by her mother yelling at her, only she was calling the name 'Chris'. I thought to myself "OH MY GOD, she isn't who she says she is and she's really her gay friend Chris". When she got back from being yelled at she explained to me that her mother recently found out that Chris was gay and would tease her by calling her Chris all the time. I thought this was odd but I bought into it.

Another night I got on facebook and searched her school, I found one of her friends she had told me about and as I was going through the people at her school, I saw a profile with a picture of 'my girlfriend' – who shall remain nameless. The profile had a different name to hers. She'd told me she had no facebook or myspace. I questioned her about it and she was shocked, she told me it must be Chris messing around and not to worry about it. I believed her even though my gut feeling told me not to.

It was my birthday, we'd been together well over a year, day after day of staying in my room and talking to her. She was upset about something, so I was trying to get it out of her. Eventually she just told me, "I'm not a girl, you can call me Chris." My heart stopped. She told me that she was born neither girl or boy, so her parents had to decide what gender she would be, they chose male. All her life she has felt like a girl stuck in a boy's body. She tricked me by sending me pictures of a girl from her (or should I say 'his') dance class. The girl in the pictures was the one whose profile I'd found on facebook. I'd only seen the real Chris once in a picture long ago.

I was devastated and after an hour or two of crying and fighting with her, I closed my laptop and had some time to myself. She had told me she might as well be dead if she can't have me. I couldn't live with myself if she hurt herself because of me so I sent her a text. She got back on Skype and so did I, she told me she was about to kill herself in the shower before I texted her.

A few months have passed and I still talk to her nearly every day. After a few weeks I went back to how I was with her because I didn't want her to hurt herself or to think that no one would want her if they knew the truth. She wants a sex change and wants to come and be with me. I've been treating her pretty much like I did when she was my 'girlfriend' just to help her confidence.

She is way too needy and I still feel betrayed. I tried to tell her the other day that I can't do it and its best I just be her friend, after a small break she sent me a suicide text. She didn't say she was going to kill herself but she said she didn't want to be around anymore and I caused her too much pain and she couldn't live with it. I know her well enough to know what she meant by 'not wanting to be here'.

So I was nice to her and treated her like she was my girlfriend again. I am at a stage now where I don't know what to do. I can't let her hurt herself and she won't have me as just a friend. I feel bad when I treat her nicely and give her hope, she thinks we'll be together one day but I just can't do it, I feel too betrayed and honestly I don't want to be with someone who has had a sex change.

I feel like a total jerk and I don't know what to do. Yeah I was a fool to get in such a serious relationship like that in the first place but it happened slowly and before I knew it I was doing everything for her.

What should I do?

All names have been changed. Pictures posed by models.

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