Question:
I’ve been married for 5 years now. My wife and I haven’t had sex for the past 2 years. She has no sexual libido or any sexual thoughts, even if I tell her I still love her or try to get a hug it’s a feeling-less act.
I want my child to see the love people share, but my wife has nothing to share with me. We have a 3 year old daughter who is all my soul but my wife has taken charge of her and my wife doesn’t need me now that she has her daughter to hug.
They sleep together in the spare bedroom, she says I move too much. She won’t let me care for her. She will redo anything I do for my child.
We are like flat mates but I pay the bills and still get yelled at. She says she likes me, not loves me.
I’m 49 years old, my wife 40, but she makes me feel like all my years of wisdom are a waste of knowledge and the mistakes I make are never forgiven. I’m not perfect. I have too much love to give to someone at this stage of life, lucky I have my god. I’ve given everything else.
Now I’m thinking of treating myself to a holiday to Thailand. She won’t care. More than likely she’ll tell my daughter Daddy is going away for good. Maybe I should?
True Confessions Agony Aunt:
If everything you say is correct then you do have some problems but there is a definite sense of self pity here which you must leave to one side in getting your life sorted out.
You’re not just the person who pays the bills, but a father and husband and you need to take some definite decisions.
Does your wife want to stay married to you? If she does and is unable to offer any changes herself then counselling could help, especially with situations such as not being interested in sex, redoing anything you do for your child, or effectively cutting you out by sharing a bedroom with the child and leaving you alone.
Your child deserves to have two parents playing an equal role and affording each other the same respect and if your wife can recognise that or work towards it then you need to decide whether or not you can continue with your marriage like this.
If not, running off to Thailand is not the answer. Your daughter needs an assertive father and you can co-parent effectively, even if you are no longer a couple, but it is not good for her to be brought up in a home where parents are yelling at each other in a destructive atmosphere.
Stay very calm and drop the self pity – simply tell your wife what you’re unhappy about and don’t threaten her by saying you might go away for good – but have a clear plan in your mind and a positive approach and changes you could list which would help.
Ask her what sort of home life she wants and try and come to an agreement which reintroduces respect and communication so that you both know if the marriage is worth working for.
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