By Leanne Hudson
Whether it's your place, their place or a whole new place, moving in with your partner can be quite an experience. But how can you make sure it's a good one?
If you've reached the point where you spend practically every night with your partner, you might think living together won't be much different. But there's a big chance it will. Moving in with your partner changes the dynamics of your relationship, and arguments about dirty laundry and household bills could soon spoil your romance. But one thing can make all the difference – communication.
"I can't stress how important it is," says Charlotte Beaumont-Field, Wellbeing Manager of the Reach Out program, run by the Inspire Foundation charity. "Talking is vital and helps reduce the risk of failure. It helps you see if you're on the same page as your partner and avoid a lot of heartache."
Practical makes perfect
One of the first things you need to discuss is the practicalities of living together. "When people are in love they tend to forget about this," says Charlotte. "They think love will see them through anything. Unfortunately, that's not always the case." So what do you need to consider? "Money, for a start," says Charlotte. "Will you split everything down the middle or each pay for certain things?" If one partner earns considerably more than the other this could be difficult, but if one person ends up paying for everything it can cause resentment. You need to work this out before moving in together.
Great expectations
Problems also arise when people have different expectations. "When they move in with someone many assume things will carry on as usual," says Charlotte. "But often one partner expects things to change." A guy might think his partner's girls' nights out will become less frequent when he lives with her, or a girl might think her man will prefer to spend Saturdays with her rather than his footie team now they're building a life together. It's vital to be clear from the start about what each of you expects.
Creatures of habit
Even daily habits that weren't an issue before can become a cause of friction when you move in together. "Take bedtime," says Charlotte. "If one person likes to go to bed and get up early, but the other likes late nights and lie-ins, it can cause problems. The one toddling off to bed alone may feel rejected, while the one who wants to lie in and cuddle could feel hurt if their partner jumps out of bed at 6am every day." Talk things through and reach a compromise. Perhaps you have one late night followed by an early one.
Shaky foundations
Charlotte also warns against using the Big Move as a way to save a relationship. "If your relationship is struggling already, moving in together is likely to place it under even more strain," she says. Think about it - you'll be seeing a whole lot more of your partner, and not just in a time sense. Living with someone means you'll see them at their best and worst and, if things aren't going well, you can't just leave them to it and go home – you are home. "Likewise, if the reason you want to live with your partner is so you can keep closer tabs on them or because you're feeling a bit unloved, it's probably not going to work. That's a whole other conversation," says Charlotte.
Rate your mates
Maintaining your social connections can help you survive the Big Move. "People often fall into the habit of dropping friends and family. They become complacent and stop seeing other people because they have their partner there all the time. But keeping your individual relationships with others going is important. Don't lose yourselves and become a 'duo'," says Charlotte. Explain to your partner that seeing friends is important, but make sure you spend quality time with your partner too. It's easy to think you do when you see someone every day, but when was the last time you went on a date together?
It's good to talk
So how can you go about talking things over? "Make sure you do it in a non-confrontational, non-accusing way," says Charlotte. "Instead of using blame statements like 'You' do this and 'You' do that, which can make someone defensive, start your sentences with 'I' and say how you feel. And never say 'You always' do such-and-such as that makes it sound as if they never do anything right."
Focus on the good stuff too. "Acknowledging your partner's strengths and all the great things they do is just as important as pointing out what bugs you," says Charlotte. And never bring things up after a bad day or during an argument about something else. If you do you're likely to launch into a full-scale attack that will sound far more vicious than you intended. Plan a moment to talk with your partner in a healthy, non-reactive way. Think about how you will come across and how you would feel if you were on the receiving end.
"Having a civilised conversation, even about something as trivial as dirty clothes left on the floor or dishes piled up in the sink, will be far more constructive than skirting around the issue," says Charlotte. "If you stomp about shoving laundry into the washing machine and banging pots and pans around in the sink, you're not likely to make much headway. It will just feed your own feelings of resentment and make the situation worse."
Often your partner won't even be aware something is annoying you and will be more than happy to make changes when you point it out. If nothing improves after a few good talks, maybe it's time to reconsider your move. But remember - no one's a mind reader, so at least give them a chance.
