By Annette Campbell

Being in a committed, long-term, happy and healthy relationship doesn't just happen. There's a lot of work involved to attain such domestic bliss!

And while it's important to know skills and tips for making a relationship work, we should also be aware of what will absolutely kill it.

Anne Hollonds, the CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, shares her expert insight into the issues that are recipes for relationship disaster.

1. Not spending enough time together

We know from our research at Relationships Australia that couples say the number one issue that affects their relationship is not having enough time together.

You need to create time you both need to talk — and play. Especially these days when we all seem to be so busy, "spare time" doesn't just happen. So schedule it and make it happen.

A common myth is that affairs are the biggest relationship killer. But they're not. Affairs are a symptom of other things — a partner feeling neglected or that their partner is not truly committed to them.

2. Lack of communication

Many people have trouble knowing how to communicate with each other and understand each other's points of view. It's so important to really listen and talk openly and honestly. Being honest is a behaviour that builds trust and respect, and is very important, but that doesn't mean we have to tell our partner everything that's on our minds. Sometimes it's more respectful not to be completely honest.

3. Work pressures

We know the work/family balance is a critical issue and also connected with the problem of lack of time. A hectic working life is emotionally and physically draining, so when we come home depleted, there's not a lot left to give each other.

4. Money

Money affects our relationships in a multitude of ways. If you don't have enough money and are struggling to make ends meet - maybe working two jobs — or commuting long distances for work, that leads to spending time away from your family.

Even if you are on a high income, most people are working long hours, and high mortgages and other financial pressures are often a source of conflict. So money can be an issue in all socio-economic groups.

It can also be a tool of power — if one person earns more than the other, it can be used to unfairly wield power.

It can also be the cause of arguments because of the types of families you've both come from — some don't ever discuss money, and others talk about money issues openly. So depending on your own background, money can be a difficult issue to discuss.

5. Kids

We all love our children dearly, but no-one can deny they require huge amounts of our time, money, and attention. On top of that, if you're not equally sharing all the responsibilities involved, it can be an enormously stressful time. Having children requires us to really work together as a team.

6. Lack of teamwork

Selfishness — not understanding each other and focusing purely on yourself — is a recipe for disaster. Blaming the other person all the time when things go wrong is also detrimental. You need to take responsibility for your part in the relationship. It's very harmful if both of you aren't paying attention to the needs of the relationship.

Strengthen your partnership, learn how to work as a team, show each other respect and behave in ways that build trust.

How do you save a relationship?

• Schedule time for each other.
• Talk. Communicate about the things that matter and agree on goals for your future together.
• Look out for the other's needs, not just your own. Support each other.
• Learn how to resolve disagreements without letting them damage your partnership. This includes negotiating on important things as well as letting some things go.
• Have fun! "This is really important and so important for sexual intimacy too," Anne explains. "Be playful and have fun and create the time and emotional energy for each other. To do that, you really do need to look after yourself enough to be in that 'space' — especially for women."

When to see a counsellor

"Counselling is like coaching — like hiring a personal trainer," says Anne. "You need to be working on the relationship from the beginning, so don't wait too long, otherwise you're gambling on it working out. Then when it's so bad — if too much respect and goodwill has been eroded — it might be too late."

You can find out more at www.relationships.com.au or by calling Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.