By Leanne Hudson
The world is shrinking thanks to new technology, but as it gets smaller, more and more couples are living further apart. Can electronic gadgetry help long-distance relationships last?
Mobile phones, email, instant messaging, Facebook, Skype, SMS — the list of ways to stay in touch keeps on growing, and so does the number of people in long-distance relationships as more of us travel for work and pleasure.
But gone are the days when long-distance meant coping with irregular phone calls filled with static and time delays. Now you can get in touch with almost anyone, anywhere, at any time. And with online video conferencing programs like Skype, you can see the other person as well as hear them. That's very important, says Anne Hollonds, Vice President of Relationships Australia.
"Humans are wired for face-to-face connections," says Anne. "It's how we work. Communication is multi-layered — it's much more than just words."
Studies confirm this, with some suggesting that the words we speak account for a mere seven per cent of what we are trying to say. Tone plays a part, but body language has the largest role when we communicate. So technology like Skype can only help improve long-distance relationships... right?
The role of technology
To some extent, agrees Anne, but nothing can replace physical human contact with the one you love. "All these advances in technology make it easier for us to stay in touch, but they don't necessarily make it easier for long-distance relationships to survive," she says.
Gregory Guldner, director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships in the US, agrees. "Information technology has definitely led people to believe that long-distance relationships will work more than in the past," he says. "Whether that's true or not remains to be seen." He believes the quality of communication is more important than the frequency of it, no matter which method you use.
Anne says some are more effective than others. "Some methods, such as text messaging, are very one-dimensional. The tone can be misinterpreted — the same goes for emails — so they are very limited."
Even Skype has its problems, with bad connections and poor video quality causing frustration and resulting in a loss of some subtleties of conversation. And of course, that all-important contact between you and your partner — touch — is still absent.
But studies show that more and more Australians are using new technologies to build and strengthen existing relationships, and even create new ones.
The Relationships Indicator Survey, carried out by Relationships Australia, found that a staggering 88 per cent of us are doing so, and the number is rising. It's not just members of the younger, technology-savvy generations either.
"The impact cuts across all age groups, with 77 per cent of those over 60 years old saying they have used new technology to improve important relationships," says Anne.
So are people more likely to give a long-distance relationship a go because of IT advances? Anne says we don't have much choice. "Travel is a huge part of life nowadays. We move around more for our jobs and patterns of partnering have changed as a result. In the past a couple followed one person's career — usually the man's — but now women are just as likely to have travel opportunities."
State of love and trust
Some people seem more able to cope with the distance than others. A friend recently explained how she and her boyfriend had survived two years on opposite sides of the planet — text messages, phone calls, Skype sessions, regular letters, visits — while another said she couldn't even begin to consider it because trust would be an issue. How could she help but wonder whether her man was seeing someone else, someone who was nearer geographically?
But Anne says there is no evidence to suggest that people in long-distance relationships are any less faithful than others. Several studies show that infidelity rates are actually about the same across the board. What does differ is the amount of stressing and obsessing over whether someone is cheating. Couples who live apart are more prone to worry about it, and even if it doesn't happen it can negatively affect the relationship.
"If there is no trust, it's a losing battle," says Anne. "Anyone entering into a long-distance relationship needs to prepare themselves for it. Ground rules are essential. For example, are you going to date other people?"
The nearness of... who?
Which brings us back to the physical side of a relationship, which technology can't really help with — or can it? No amount of phone calls, messaging or even video conferencing can substitute when all you want is a big hug at the end of a bad day. But perhaps the Hug Shirt can.
Invented by UK company CuteCircuit, it has sensors sewn into it that capture the pressure applied when you hug yourself. The information is then passed on via text message and changed into vibrations and heat on a shirt worn by your partner. Sounds crazy? That's not all that's happening in the world of tele-romance.
Prototypes of several devices have been made, including the KissPhone — you kiss an artificial mouth and that motion is replicated by your partner's KissPhone. Equally bizarre is the Mutsugoto device, which projects a silhouette of your partner onto your mattress. But whether these gimmicks will take off remains to be seen.
Talk it out
Ultimately, communication is the key to long-distance love, says Anne. "Talk lots about everything, from how to deal with times when you feel lonely, to how you will overcome fears and anxieties. And make strategies for staying in touch. For example, put money aside each week towards a reunion, so you have that face-to-face contact to look forward to."
It's also important to keep your partner involved in your daily life. News like your car breaking down might sound boring to you, but it's those little details that keep you connected.
So remember, it's good to talk, no matter how you go about it. And who knows? Teleportation might just become a reality one of these days!
Your say: Are you, or have you ever been, in a long-distance relationship? What makes it work? Or how did it end? We invite you to share your ideas and experiences below...
