Monday, June 16, 2008

Arguments with your partner — sometimes they end in tears, sometimes they end in door slamming. But if you're sick of the drama (sigh of relief) there is another way.

1. You want to hide in the bedroom

"To hell with you" you utter under your breath. You sulk into your bedroom.

Possible outcomes:
This theatrical approach screams of: "I'm right and you're wrong; and you have to work hard to win me back. "Your partner might fall for it a few times, perhaps even follow you to apologise. But in the end what will the results be? Resentment is definitely on the cards. Or perhaps your partner will learn to ignore your strategy. "Never mind her, she's just having one of her tantrums." And often you'll end up with a mirror image on your hands — a partner withdrawing to the other end of the house.

Alternative approach:
Can you recognise the choice point — that split second when there's part of you thinking, "I'm out of here," but part of you knows, "If I stopped being a brat this whole thing could be resolved"? You are actually bigger than your tantrum! You do have the ability to stop yourself in your tracks and communicate what's really going on. "I'm feeling furious right now because we're not understanding each other. I'm going for a walk and when I come back I know we can work this out." Or maybe you don't need the walk — you can just turn the conversation around on the spot.

2. You're screaming but they won't listen

Does it feel like you're telling your partner the same thing over and over again? Perhaps you end up in yelling matches, just trying to be heard.

Possible outcomes:
Have you ever had someone scream at you, telling you everything you're doing wrong? It's not the sort of approach that brings about self-reflection. It makes you want to fire back. Or perhaps withdraw into a corner and block your ears.

Alternative approach:
If you cut through the blame and get to the heart of the matter, your partner will probably be more receptive. Instead of: "You're so lazy with the housework" maybe the ultimate source of your anger is: "I'm really bored being with the kids all day. I think I need to create more support and start doing the things I love again."

And if your partner isn't listening to you, it's certain that you're not listening to them either. Our partners are always a reflection of us! So if you want to be listened to, you might need to be the one who starts listening first.

3. 'Everything's fine'

Instead of opening up a controversial topic, do you ever pretend everything's fine, while you're really struggling underneath?

Possible outcomes:
Your partner might take you literally if you convince them that it's "all good". Underneath it you're probably secretly wishing your partner would drag the truth out of you. But you act so strong, you don't give them the chance to find out what's going on. Then you might resent them for not understanding you.

Alternative approach:
Your partner isn't a mind reader. See what happens when you let your guard down and communicate.

In summary

Any time you can catch yourself in the middle of a tantrum and decide that you're going to try a different approach, you're well on your way. You'll be busting through patterns that have probably been on auto-pilot for a long time.