By Annette Campbell

It is a fact of life that even in the happiest of families, there will be times of anger and conflict. It's normal and healthy for adults to exchange heated words from time-to-time, and some parents believe this should never be done "in front of the children".

But one of Australia's favourite child psychologists, Dr John Irvine, disagrees.

"I'm not of the school that says 'don't expose children to conflict'," he explains. "There is evidence that bringing kids up in a rarefied physical and emotional environment - where nothing bad besets the child - raises kids with lower resilience.

"People tend to want to be 'perfect' parents, and have 'perfect' kids, and so try to shield them from any pain.

"But resilience - our ability to 'bungee back' if we experience setbacks in life - is one of the greatest gifts we can give a child.

"So the ideal is to manage conflict, rather than avoid it. A child then sees - and learns - that issues are able to be resolved respectfully and that you can find solutions to whatever the pain is.

"Then of course there's the all-important make-up and hugging time!"

Parent-parent conflict

Here's the scenario: mum and dad are having words, but it's becoming heated.

While it's quite healthy for children to see 'normal' arguments … and that they're resolved fairly, if it's getting out of control and the talking evolves to yelling, this is when you need to stop.

"In this case where it's verging on being out of control, you do need to break off contact with each other," explains Dr. Irvine.

"I have a rule that it takes 20 minutes for blood pressure to settle, so it's ideal to come back in 20 minutes to talk. And if the subject is not for children's ears, this is definitely when it needs to be done in private.

"It's a great idea for parents to have already agreed on a 'signal' word or phrase they can say at the time, that basically means: "I'm very angry and we'll have to talk about this privately, later".

Parent-child conflict

"In conflict with kids, I believe in training and not taming," says Dr. Irvine. "If children are in a household where there's lots of yelling, it can 'program' them to become yellers and hitters, too. Also, if you yell all the time, kids are quick at habituating, so after a while, they just don't hear it. That's when it becomes ineffective.

"If a parent tends to be someone who yells and maybe smacks, there are other issues involved. That's when you might need help, in the form of counselling, to uncover what's really making you angry and upset, so the rest of the household doesn't suffer unfairly.

"As an alternative, the old "time out" is not bad. Just breaking away from each other - either send the child to sit on a step, or somewhere else in the house, for 10 minutes - gives everyone a chance to settle-down.

"Or some parents do the "stop and go" technique. If a child is just being ridiculous, you just need to stop them and say: 'You're being silly now because you're so tired - so please go to your room for a rest'.

"You have to be clear that you're not sending them off because they're being naughty, but that they need a break to re-charge their batteries.

"And very importantly, if you've said anything to your child that you regret, just talk afterwards and say: 'I'm very sorry if I hurt you with what I said'. My 'model' is that 'sorry' should be followed by actions - so lots of big hugs and cuddles."

Help!

"It does become dangerous if you feel you're losing control," says Dr Irvine.

"Naturally, we're supposed to bring up kids in a 'tribe' - but that rarely happens these days, if dad's off working hard and there's little family support. So it can be hard on mums in that situation.

"But you need to walk away and consult any other 'tribe' you might have, such as friends. Pull out of the immediate situation, so you can disengage from the anger."

To read more about Dr. John Irvine, visit his website: www.drjohnirvine.com