By Jacqui Lang
Dr Rosie King has been
Woman's Day's agony aunt for the past 15 years, giving valuable advice to thousands of readers about love, sex, and everything in between. Here Dr Rosie, 56, tells how she blends compassion with common sense, and how her own experiences have made her a better therapist.
What got you interested in wanting to write about sex?
When I was growing up, my idol was
Woman's Day's
agony aunt Kate Samperi. I loved her advice page, and always wanted to be like her. I'd always been interested in sex and relationships. And now I am the agony aunt!
Tell us a little about your personal life...
I won the lottery the day I met my second husband. We've been married 14 years. I have two adult sons and three adult stepdaughters. I've had a lot of great learning experiences. I have been through a difficult marriage, separation and divorce.
So you've had some of the same problems as some readers?
Yes, I've had to start again in my forties, longing to meet somebody, and then had the absolute joy of falling in love again. I think these experiences make me a better therapist.
What are your qualifications?
I'm a medical doctor, which is unusual for a sex therapist. I spent 12 years in general practice before studying sex and relationship therapy. I grew up in a very sexually relaxed family. My mum was very approachable in relation to talking about sex.
What are the most common concerns from readers?
Many write to me about affairs. I could never recommend an affair. They create more problems than they solve. Some ask about how to get over an ex. The easiest way is to cut off all contact! Most of what I say is common sense. Other issues are about being attracted to a colleague at work, and relationship problems — over sex, infidelity, money, or unresolved conflict.
Phew! And are women's complaints different to men's?
Women often tell me, "he never tells me he loves me, he never gives me flowers, he's never romantic, he just wants to 'do it'." For men, the biggest problem is the lack of sex. They'll often complain to me, "My wife doesn't want sex any more". And some men have performance problems. Half of men over 50 are affected by erectile dysfunction at some stage.
Is low libido a common problem for women?
Yes, many women worry that they have a lack of sexual desire — that they're just not interested in sex. A recent Australian survey shows that 55 per cent of women experienced a lack of libido at some stage within the previous year, whereas only 25 per cent of men had done so.
How do you explain this?
Women often have an unrealistic view of what their libidos are going to be like. In the early stages of romance there are those terrific feelings of intimacy, excitement and affection — your feet don't touch the ground and the sex is terrific. But that's a lot to do with various chemicals in the brain; within 12 to 24 months, that all changes. Women often look back and "long for when I was normal". But in fact the changes are probably normal.
Is this when people start having affairs?
There are lots of reasons for affairs. Surveys show as many women have affairs as men. Women say they're looking for a soul mate and men say they're looking for a playmate. It's funny, when they're asked to justify their actions women will say, "I was in love," and men will say, "But I wasn't in love."
How do you get a couple with different libidos to resolve their issues?
Firstly, I ask them to take a look at their relationship. Sometimes the woman just hates her partner's guts — that's the reason she doesn't want sex! It's understandable to expect that if you don't like the person, you won't want to have sex with them.
Then, I find out about their lifestyle. So many women these days are too tired, stressed, busy, harried and exhausted to give sex a thought! Today's women are carrying a big burden. I try to suggest ways they could change their lifestyle.
Many women don't feel like sex initially, but get into it eventually. To those women I say, just decide to have sex — bite the bullet, just do it, and you'll enjoy it.
What's your greatest challenge, as a therapist?
To get people to make the necessary changes to improve their lives. I try to educate them about what is normal in a relationship. I give them strategies and they have to take it from there. Mostly, they have to work it out for themselves.
How careful do you have to be with your advice?
Somebody may write to me describing a terrible relationship and I'm thinking, "You've got to dump this guy", but are they ready to hear that? No point beating anyone about the head. I ask them to think, what are the positives and negatives. I try to get them to assess the situation.
Do any letters stand out in your memory?
I remember getting one from a young man, a 19-year-old, who asked me if he should have sex with his 43-year-old stepmother! I'd have liked to have just said "Don't be ridiculous", but I was more diplomatic. I told him it would be better if both he and the stepmother — newly separated from his father — went out with somebody their own age.
How often do you find out if individuals heeded your advice?
Most of the time I don't know what happens. But I get letters from other people who read the advice and say that it applied to them, too, and that they took it to heart. That's very rewarding for me.
Do you ever get letters that make you blush?
Not really. People often write to me about their fantasies.
Are you ever in those fantasies?
Occasionally. When I was a sweet young thing on TV I got a lot more letters like that. Less so these days now I'm a granny! But so long as I'm attractive to my husband, that's all that matters!
Finally, Rosie, have the letters changed over the years in any way?
I think people are better educated now about contraception and safe sex, which is terrific. And drugs like Viagra have made a huge difference to men with erectile problems. But the relationship problems have stayed the same.
Is there anyone you can't help?
Most people's situations can be improved. I'm a very optimistic person. I always believe tomorrow will be better!
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